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For years, I measured my success the way most business leaders do: revenue, turnover, growth percentages. Every Monday morning, I’d review the numbers. When we missed targets, I felt like a failure. When we hit them? Relief. Or at best a temporary burst of pleasure.

Never joy. Never satisfaction. Just the temporary exhale before the next quarter’s anxiety kicked in.

It took me years to understand why. And when I finally did, it changed everything about how I lead – and how I live.

The neuroscience of empty victories

Here’s what neuroscience reveals about the goals we chase: not all achievements activate our brain’s reward systems equally. When we accomplish something tied to external validation—more money, higher status, beating the competition—our brains release a brief dopamine spike. But it’s fleeting. Transactional. It feels more like relief than celebration because we’ve simply avoided a threat (failure) rather than moved toward something meaningful.

These are extrinsic goals. And they dominate how most organizations measure success.
Intrinsic goals work differently. When we achieve something aligned with our core values and purpose—making a genuine impact, experiencing deep connection, expressing our authentic selves—our brains don’t just get a dopamine hit. We activate broader reward pathways that create lasting satisfaction and meaning. This isn’t just feeling good; it’s feeling fulfilled.

The difference isn’t semantic. It’s neurological. And it explains why so many successful leaders feel… empty.

When winning feels like losing

Let me tell you about musician, Dave Mustaine.

In 1983, Mustaine was kicked out of Metallica just before they recorded their first album. Furious and humiliated, he formed Megadeth with one burning objective: to become bigger than Metallica.

What followed was extraordinary by any measure. Megadeth sold over 38 million albums worldwide. They were nominated for twelve Grammy awards. Mustaine became a legend in heavy metal, influencing generations of musicians. By conventional metrics, he achieved massive success.

But here’s where the story gets uncomfortable.

Decades later, in interviews, Mustaine admitted something startling: he’d never been happy. Despite all his achievements, despite his talent and recognition, he felt like a failure. Why?

Because Metallica sold 125 million albums.

Mustaine had built his entire career around an extrinsic, comparison-based KPI: “Am I doing better than Metallica?” And the answer was always no. No amount of gold records, sold-out tours, or critical acclaim could fill the void created by measuring himself against someone else’s success.

His brain got the relief of not being forgotten. But never the joy of creating music he loved with people who mattered to him.

The hidden KPIs running your life

After my divorce 25 years ago, I became a single parent to two toddler daughters, splitting custody 50-50 with my ex-wife. Society’s dominant message at the time was clear: young children should be with their mother, not their father. I’d never considered myself particularly susceptible to cultural conditioning, but that message burrowed deep.

Without consciously realising it, I started keeping score. How many nights did the girls stay with me versus with their mother? If they spent more time with me, I’d feel… relief. If they chose to stay an extra night with their mum, anxiety crept in. Was I not good enough? Did they prefer her?

I’d created an invisible KPI: time spent together. Another extrinsic, comparison-based metric.

The breakthrough came when I realized I was asking the wrong question entirely. The real question wasn’t “Are they spending more time with me?” It was “Are we having an amazing, loving time together?”

That simple shift—from an extrinsic to an intrinsic goal—changed everything. Suddenly, the quality of our connection mattered more than the quantity of hours logged. I stopped counting and started being present. And you know what? I felt joy. Real, lasting joy.

Twenty-five years later, my daughters are adults with families of their own. And when we’re together, it’s still joyful. Because I never lost sight of what actually mattered.

The pharmaceutical sales revolution

I witnessed this transformation first-hand when working with a pharmaceutical company that had developed a revolutionary treatment for macular degeneration – a condition that leads to blindness. At their weekly sales meetings, sales reps were asked the standard question: “How many units did you sell this week?”

Standard extrinsic KPI. Numbers on a spreadsheet. Relief when targets were hit; anxiety when they weren’t.

I suggested a simple change: “How many people did you help see again this week?”

Same product. Same work. Completely different metric.

The impact was immediate and remarkable. Sales figures didn’t just improve—they soared. But more importantly, the sales reps felt different. They weren’t just moving units; they were restoring vision. Their work had meaning beyond the quarterly bonus. Their brains were now tracking intrinsic achievement: tangible human impact.

Why greater impact comes from a higher purpose

Our core purpose at TWI is transforming workplace experiences through leadership that empowers and fulfils people. For years, I measured this through revenue and growth—classic extrinsic metrics that told me whether we were surviving, but nothing about whether we were actually succeeding at our real purpose.

So I asked myself: if our genuine aim is transformation—creating fulfilment and joy throughout workplaces and beyond—what KPIs would actually measure that?

We started tracking different things:

• How many leaders reported breakthrough moments in their self-awareness?
• How many teams shifted from dysfunction to genuine psychological safety?
• How many organizations saw improvements in both performance and employee wellbeing?
• What percentage of clients came back not because they had to, but because the work genuinely transformed their culture?

These metrics are harder to quantify. They don’t fit neatly into a dashboard. But when we achieve them? That’s not relief. That’s joy. A recent example of this is working with the leadership team at the British School of Amsterdam.

And here’s the paradox that still astonishes me: the moment I stopped obsessing over revenue and turnover, the business flourished. More clients wanted to work with us. Growth accelerated. The very metrics I’d stopped chasing improved dramatically—not because I was pursuing them, but because I was finally pursuing what actually mattered. When you focus on genuine transformation and impact, commercial success follows as a natural consequence, not as the exhausting goal you’re desperately grasping for.

And here’s the business case that should matter to every leader reading this: intrinsic goals don’t just feel better—they perform better. Research consistently shows that teams driven by purpose and meaning outperform those driven solely by external rewards. When people connect their daily work to something meaningful, engagement rises, creativity flourishes, and resilience deepens.

Your brain literally works better when it’s pursuing goals that matter to your authentic self.

The comparison trap

Notice a pattern in these stories? Many extrinsic KPIs are comparison-based. We’re measuring ourselves against competitors, against others’ achievements, against external standards set by people who don’t know our context or values.

Mustaine compared himself to Metallica. I compared custody time with my ex-wife. Traditional business metrics compare this quarter to last quarter, our performance to competitors, our status to industry benchmarks, market share etc.

Comparison isn’t inherently wrong. But when it becomes the primary measure of success, we’re outsourcing our sense of accomplishment to factors beyond our control. We’re building our identity on shifting sand.
Intrinsic goals, by contrast, are self-referential. They ask: “Am I becoming who I want to be? Am I doing work that matters to me? Am I creating the impact I believe in? Am I leaving a legacy?”

These questions put you back in the driver’s seat of your own fulfilment.

Your turn: The KPI audit

Here’s where this gets personal. And potentially uncomfortable.

I’d like you to try something over the next week. It won’t take much time, but it will require honesty.

Step 1: Identify your real KPIs

Make two lists:

1. Your official KPIs (the metrics your organization tracks for you)
2. Your hidden KPIs (the metrics you’re unconsciously tracking)

For the second list, notice where you feel anxiety or relief rather than joy. These reveal your real scorecards. Are you tracking:

• How you compare to colleagues?
• Whether people respond quickly to your emails?
• How busy you appear?
• Your title or salary relative to peers?
• Being right in meetings or having the last word?

Don’t judge these. Just notice them. We all have them.

Step 1: Identify your real KPIs

For each KPI, ask:

• Is this intrinsic (aligned with my core values and purpose) or extrinsic (focused on external validation, comparison, or “looking good”)?
• When I achieve this, do I feel joy and meaning, or just relief?
• Is this metric measuring what actually matters to me, or what I think should matter?

Step 3: Redesign your metrics

For every extrinsic KPI, ask: “What would the intrinsic version of this look like?”

Some examples to get you started:

Step 4: The 30-Day experiment

Choose one extrinsic KPI that’s been driving anxiety or just-relief rather than joy. Replace it with an intrinsic alternative for 30 days. Track both metrics if you need to, but pay attention to the intrinsic one first each day.

Notice what shifts. Not just in results, but in how you feel about your work and your life.

The question that matters

I’ll leave you with this: What if the metrics you’re chasing are keeping you from the success you actually want?

What if the scorecards you’re unconsciously tracking—in your career, in your relationships, in your leadership—are measuring the wrong game entirely?

Your brain evolved to seek meaning, connection, and purpose. When your KPIs align with those drives, you don’t just succeed differently. You feel differently about succeeding. Relief becomes joy. Survival becomes thriving.

So here’s my challenge: Look at your KPIs. The official ones and the hidden ones. Ask yourself honestly: Are these measuring what actually matters to me? Or am I playing someone else’s game and wondering why winning feels empty?

The most successful leaders I’ve worked with over 25 years aren’t those who hit the most targets. They’re those who had the courage to redefine which target is worth aiming for in the first place.

I’d love to hear from you: What KPIs are you tracking that create relief rather than joy? And if you’ve successfully shifted from extrinsic to intrinsic metrics, what changed for you? Share your experiences in the comments—your insights might be exactly what another leader needs to hear today.

Tom Flatau is CEO of Teamworking International and has been applying neuroscience to leadership development for over 25 years. His upcoming book on human-centric leadership explores how understanding our social brains can transform organisational performance. Connect with him at team-working.com.